How to Have Safe and Empowering Casual Sex
Practical tips for talking about pleasure, sexual health and cultivating safety in your casual sexual experiences.
People’s perceptions, experiences, and desires surrounding casual sex exist on a vast spectrum.
For some, it can be a place of liberation, exploration and freedom. An opportunity to embody, uncover, and develop different aspects of their sexuality and sexual expression that may only become available in a casual context.
There can be a playful, carefree quality associated with the unbridled nature of casual sex. For some, it offers the freedom to explore desires they may not otherwise feel able to explore within a monogamous relationship.
The anonymity and mystery that can accompany casual encounters may also create a sense of having “nothing to lose” that allows people to step more confidently into the full expression of their sexuality, explore fantasies or taboos, and experiment with different aspects of their sexual identity.
Casual sex can also be an experience that feels somewhat intimidating, overwhelming, awkward, or even unsafe for people.
It can feel like unfamiliar or unexplored terrain, heavily shrouded by cultural narratives and negative collective experiences that, understandably, paint aspects of casual sex in a poor light.
This can, in part, be attributed to the disposable nature often associated with casual sex, where people can lose sight of treating one another with the respect, kindness, tenderness and consideration that every person deserves.
However, I would argue that casual sex itself isn’t inherently a problem, it’s how people navigate it that can be.
So, how can we begin to create casual sexual experiences that feel fulfilling and pleasurable?
In my opinion, the greatest predictor of a positive casual sexual experience is safety.
If you’re someone who wants to explore casual sex, learning how to cultivate physical, mental and emotional safety within these experiences is essential.
Here are my five favourite ways to create safety within your casual sexual experiences:
- Take it slowly
People conflate casual sex with frantic one night stands, and yes, sometimes they can be just that.
However, if you are orienting yourself towards creating safe, connected, and pleasurable casual experiences, taking your time and moving at a slower pace allows the spaciousness needed for safety to emerge.
Just because it’s casual doesn’t mean you need to be strangers
You’re allowed to give yourself time to get to know someone on a deeper level so you can develop a clear sense of who they are, how they communicate, whether your values align, and whether you genuinely feel comfortable and safe in their presence. This can be as simple as waiting a few dates before becoming physically intimate with someone, or building a friendship with someone before having sex.
Let sex be slow
You may also like to allow the sexual experiences you share together to move at a slower pace. This can look like the experience unfolding over several hours so you have time to check in with yourself, your needs, desires, and boundaries and ensure that the experience is moving at a pace that feels good for you.
Expand your definition of “sex”
Remember, sex doesn’t have to include intercourse. Rather than rushing towards intercourse or following a rigid sexual script, give yourselves permission to be curious about the many other facets available within physical intimacy. This may be kissing, touching, breathing, playing, and exploring the senses.
Expanding your definition of sex to include other diverse intimate experiences is a great way to move at a pace that fosters connectedness and safety rather than obligation and performance.
- Be Prepared
Being prepared when it comes to your sexual health fosters confidence and clarity. Mitigating those distracting thoughts surrounding sexual health and contraception is going to support you in relaxing and being present within your experience. It’s also going to help keep you physically safe and avoid unwanted pregnancies and STIs.
This can include:
- Carrying condoms, dams or other barrier methods.
- Having a condom compatible lubricant on hand.
- Discussing which contraceptive method you’ll be using.
- Knowing your STI testing status and having conversations about when each of you were last tested.
It doesn’t have to be awkward!
People often avoid or feel tentative to have conversations surrounding sexual health, contraception and barrier methods because they don’t want to “kill the mood”. However, there are few things less sexy than being stuck in your head during a sexual experience because you’re thinking about the risk of pregnancy or an unwanted STI.
These conversations don’t have to feel clinical or awkward. Instead we can choose to view them as an act of care for ourselves and the other person. They also act as an excellent barometer of someone’s maturity, and their level of care surrounding the shared experience.
- Communication is Key
One of the biggest misconceptions surrounding casual sex is that because the relationship is casual, communication has to be casual too.
Oftentimes, the most empowering casual sexual experiences happen when people communicate with honesty, vulnerability, openness, authenticity, and curiosity.
This can look like:
- Talking about what you desire to explore within your sexual experience.
- Asking one another about your respective expectations, and ensuring that you’re emotionally on the same page.
- Sharing what you enjoy sexually, how you experience pleasure, as well as your needs and your desires.
- Sharing what you don’t enjoy sexually, and what your limits, boundaries and non-negotiables are.
- Discussing what makes each of you feel safe before, during and after the experience.
These conversations don’t need to happen like an interview before sex (although they can). Instead, they can be woven naturally throughout conversation, supporting the process of getting to know each other.
- Make Consent an Ongoing Conversation
Consent isn’t a single question asked once before sex begins. It is an ongoing conversation that continues throughout the entire experience that you’re sharing. It is reversible, and will likely evolve throughout an experience as people’s bodies, minds, and desires change.
Integrating Consent Conversations
Creating an environment where everyone feels totally free to say “yes,” “no,” “not yet,” “I’m not enjoying this,” “can we try something else,” is essential in fostering safe casual sexual experiences.
I would even argue that being overly vocal surrounding consent is even more important in a casual context, as you are often getting to know someone sexually for the first time and still becoming familiar and attuned to their body language and subtle communication style.
Phrases such as:
- “How does this feel?”
- “Would you like more of this?”
- “Can I kiss you here?”
- “Would you like to slow down?”
- “Do you prefer it softer or firmer?”
- “Can I touch you here?”
- “Is there anything you’d love more of?”
- “Do you want to keep going?”
- “Know that we can stop at any time.”
These can be integrated into the natural rhythm of your sexual experiences, remembering that it is always better to ask for consent or clarification if you are unsure than remaining silent.
Don’t Forget to Check in with Yourself!
It’s also important to regularly check in with yourself throughout your experiences and notice how your body is responding. Does this still feel like a wholehearted yes? Do you feel relaxed, curious, and present, or are you beginning to feel tense, disconnected, performative, or obligated?
Don’t be afraid to express your thoughts, feelings, needs, desires and boundaries, and know that you are allowed to stop, pause and adjust your sexual experience at any time so that it feels pleasurable and safe for you.
5. Don’t Skip the Aftercare
Aftercare can be the difference between a positive sexual experience and a negative one. It isn’t just for long-term relationships or BDSM dynamics. Nor is it reserved just for the immediate moments following a sexual experience and it firmly belongs in a casual sex context too.
Aftercare refers to physically and emotionally tending to both yourself and each other once your sexual experience has finished. This includes those immediate moments after the experience, but for many people also includes the days following.
This can look like:
- Lying together for a while
- Cuddling
- Having a shower together
- Words of affirmation
- Checking in emotionally, “How are you feeling after that?”
- Having a cup of something warm and a debrief
A thoughtful message the following day can also go a long way in supporting people to feel valued and safe.
Remember that even small acts of care and kindness remind people that although the relationship and circumstances may be casual, the way we treat one another doesn’t have to be disposable, cold, or uncaring.
Can Sex Ever Be Casual?
Some people will argue that sex can never be “casual”, and in some ways, I agree.
I believe that there will always be a level of emotional and energetic exchange that occurs when we have a sexual experience with someone.
However, I don’t believe that means that every sexual encounter or relationship that we share with a person needs to become something serious or enduring.
What I do believe is that when we slow down, communicate openly, practise ongoing consent and approach one another with kindness, respect and emotional presence, casual sexual experiences can become spaces of exploration, empowerment, pleasure and genuine human connection.
Ultimately, casual sex doesn’t have to be disconnected or unfeeling, in order for it to be casual.