Rethinking Sex: Is Your Definition of Sex Limiting Your Experience of Pleasure?
How do you define sex? When I pose this question to clients, the majority respond with “intercourse,” accompanied by a puzzled look, as if the answer is obvious. However, as we begin to dig deeper and unpack how they actually enjoy and experience sex, their definitions quickly expand. What starts as a conventional definition of sex, oftentimes narrowly focused on intercourse, transforms into something far more nuanced and personal.
What Can Sex Be?
When we begin to consciously consider our own unique definition of what sex can be, many people quickly realise that their experience of sex includes a wide variety of physically, mentally, emotionally, and energetically intimate experiences, such as:
- Different types of touch
- Making out
- Holding one another
- Breathing together
- Affirmations and words
- Dancing and movement
- Grinding
- Sensory play and exploration
- Exploring kinks/BDSM
- Massaging
- Outerplay
- Oral sex
- Eye gazing
The list goes on… Broadening our acceptance of what sex can be begins to dissolve rigid and often subconscious beliefs about how we think sex has to look. This exploration invites more curious, playful, and pleasure-centric experiences into our intimate lives.
The Pressure of a Narrow Definition
It isn’t surprising that many define sex exclusively as intercourse. Our societal understanding of what sex “should” be is heavily influenced by mainstream media and porn. People are inundated with sex being portrayed through a limited and oftentimes
extraordinarily heteronormative lens that consistently pedestalises intercourse as the primary event.
How many times have you seen sex depicted as frantic kissing, brief oral sex, or outerplay that swiftly transitions into intercourse? This portrayal doesn’t exactly inspire creativity in the bedroom, nor does it celebrate or showcase the diverse range of pleasure-filled experiences available to us. Experiences that can feel equally, if not more, nourishing depending on how we’re feeling.
As well as being portrayed in the media we consume, the narrative of intercourse as the “main event” of sex began during many of our early sexual awakenings. Sexual acts were labelled in the schoolyard as first, second, and third base, with intercourse as the “home run.” As adults, we often don’t acknowledge sexual experiences or partners as “counting” unless intercourse was involved.
But what if no sexual act was deemed to hold higher value than another? While there is no denying that intercourse can be a beautiful part of sexual experiences, realistically, it is just one aspect of a vast smorgasbord of delicious intimate activities we can explore and indulge in.
Dissolving Expectations and Avoidance
Naturally, as a result, people feel as though there is something wrong with them or their sex life if they cannot consistently live up to these unrealistic representations of what we have been taught sex “should” look like in order for it to be meaningful.
How many times have you desired some form of physical intimacy but avoided it because you didn’t want to engage in intercourse? Perhaps you were tired and just wanted some sensual touching or a slow, saucy makeout.
Instead of avoiding connection because you weren’t desiring intercourse, imagine feeling free to explore whatever desires are present without the obligation of it leading to anything more (unless you wanted it to), and for the experience to be just as meaningful.
This spaciousness and freedom to explore without rigid expectations can be one of the greatest benefits of broadening our definitions of sex: less pressure, less avoidance, and more opportunity for connection and intimacy of all different kinds.
Embracing Pleasure-Centric Experiences
Picture yourself coming home after a long day at work. Rather than feeling pressured to recreate society’s expectations of sex, you could sink into an intimate experience with your lover that nourished you on a physical, mental, emotional, and energetic level.
Perhaps that looks like a nice long bath with your partner, exchanging sensual massages, taking turns throughout a week to go down on each other, or simply lying together, teasing and kissing one another’s skin.
When we take intercourse off the pedestal, we can instead begin to focus on simply exploring pleasure in more creative and diverse ways, however that looks to us in the moment.
It is no secret that when we begin to follow pleasure rather than force it, we open ourselves up to far more fulfilling and orgasmic experiences.
Tips for Expanding Your Definition of Sex
- Ask yourself how you currently define sex.
- Write down the ways your existing definition serves and limits your sex life.
- Write down your favourite intimate activities and the aspects of your sexual experiences you enjoy most (e.g., slowness, sensual massage, giving/receiving, anticipation). Be creative and leave nothing off your list, no matter how seemingly small.
- Begin to use your body as the barometer for your sexual experiences. Rather than overriding the signals your body is giving you, start to listen and nourish it accordingly (e.g., if you’re tired but want to connect intimately, you may ask for a sensual neck and head massage with some kisses woven in).
- Be honest about your needs, desires, and limitations. Communicate what you’re in the mood for and be patient with yourself, as it takes time to build confidence in doing so.
- Create a “Pleasure Menu” with your lover, with “Entrees” being little intimate snacks, “Mains” for when your sexual appetite is more pronounced, and “Dessert,” the activities that require the most sexual appetite, time, space, and energy.
Over the past ten years, my definition of sex has continuously evolved. I now define sex as any physical or energetic experience where sexual energy is exchanged between myself and someone else. This broad definition alleviates the pressure for sex to look one particular way and opens up opportunities for various experiences of sexual connection, intimacy, and pleasure in my intimate life.
